Sunday, September 25, 2011

the trapeze

at a recent womens' retreat for church, my pastor told a great story about a trapeze. a story that really applies to my life right now. 

 "Sometimes I imagine that my life is a series of trapeze swings. I’m either holding on to a trapeze bar swinging alone, or for a few moments, I’m hurtling across space in between trapeze bars.  Most of the time, I’m hanging on for dear life to my illusive  trapeze bar of the moment. It swings me along at a certain steady rate and I imagine that I'm in control of my life. As I swing, I know most of the right questions and even some of the right answers. But once in a while, as I’m merrily (or not-so-merrily) swinging along, I see   another trapeze bar swinging towards me.  Deep inside, there is a place that ‘knows’ that this new trapeze bar has my name on it.  It represents to me my next step, my growth and aliveness coming to receive me. In my heart-of-hearts, I know that in order for me to grow, I must release my iron grip on this present bar and move to the new one. Without guarantees, I choose to do it anyway because to keep holding on to the current iron bar is no longer on my list of alternatives, and so for an eternity that can last a microsecond or a thousand life times, I soar across the dark void of ‘the past is gone, the future is not yet here’.  This place is transition.  I have come to believe that this is the only place that real change occurs, not the pseudo-change that only lasts until the next time my old buttons get pushed."

I see that next trapeze in my life hurtling towards me, but do I want to let go? 
I am being shoved off of one trapeze and onto another this Saturday when I move out of my apartment and back into my parents, but I am willingly preparing to let go of a different trapeze. A much bigger one. And for a while, I might just be hurtling through space, not knowing what will come next. 
Next semester, I will continue my schooling. And not because I plan to fail this semester and not graduate, but rather because I will be taking the prerequisites for an entirely different program. I register for classes on Oct 10th and I am excited! This is a new trapeze for me, one that I am not sure where it will swing next, but I am ready to be on that next trapeze. 

Monday, September 19, 2011


Education. It's the process that never ends.
For the last two years I have been incredibly insistent that after I finish my degree this December I was done with school. Funny how God laughs when we make plans.
Tomorrow I am meeting with an advisor to go over a program that has absolutely nothing to do with the career path I am on right now or the degree I am getting in December. Scary? A little. Exciting? A lot.
For a long time I have been jealous of people who actually know what they want to do in life and I think maybe, just maybe, I am finally discovering what I want to do.
Yes, I know I am being cryptic. Sorry. Only a handful of people know what I am considering, and for now I want to keep it that way. I don't need your opinion or judgements during this discernment process. Just your prayers, please. That I might discover what God truly wants me to do.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Following Your Dreams

when we are kids growing up we are told to follow our dreams.
but when we get to being a grown up, we are told to play it safe.
unfortunately, from what i have experienced, money has a lot to do with this. we have to be able to pay our bills, and we are always wondering where that next paycheck is coming from.
following our dreams is sometimes scary, it sometimes means stepping off that ledge not knowing what is coming next. it sometimes means going down a completely different path than you ever have. it sometimes means leaving your safety net of home, family, friends, whatever it may be.
as i continue to look at different options and try to determine what i want to do with my life, what my dreams are, a couple options keep coming back to me that are scary. they require me to step outside my safety net, go down a different path than i ever have, and yet, they keep coming back to me.

when was a time that you followed your dreams and did it pan out for you? i am interested to learn about your experiences.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

adventuring! gone wrong...

so last night i decided to go out and have a good time. why not? i am only 21, you're only young once, and besides that i had free 6th row seats to the mercury game.
anyways...the night started off great! we went to the game, the mercury won (yay!), and we saw some great women's basketball.
after the game, we decided to almost get killed in the after game traffic and then hit this little restaurant/bar in downtown phoenix called Bliss reBar.

let me give you a little info here before i continue...i have a condition called endometriosis, so does my mom, and it is a terrible condition that some women are afflicted with. anyways, about 85% of the time i can keep my symptoms in check, but when i cant...bad things happen.

so anyways, we get there and decide to have a drink and all of a sudden i started feeling not so great. i went to the bathroom and when i came back i felt really dizzy, was seeing spots, and couldn't hear very well. so, i got a glass of water and sat on a bench. then, i started feeling super nauseous and decided i definitely needed to go back to the bathroom (didn't want to throw up on the patio of the restaurant, not very cool). so, i asked one of my friends to go with me in case i passed out in the bathroom, we stand up to go, and i didn't even make it to the bathroom. next thing i can remember i was hitting my head into something very hard as i hear "elli, elli, elli??? are you ok???" no, i was not ok. i blacked out and ran head first into the wall which had metal bars on it covering a window. (thank god or my head would have been through the window).
After the fentanyl! 
paramedics were called, dad was called, everyone at the restaurant thought i had passed out drunk, i looked like a fool I'm sure.
ended up going to the hospital with dehydration, which was just worsened by the pain i was experiencing, and coupled they were just too much for my body to handle.
so, i got to hang out in the ER for a few hours, get all sorts of tests done, get 2 bags of saline, fentanyl, zofran, and then sent home with instructions to watch for signs of head injury and stay hydrated.
not really the fun time i set out to have last night, but thankfully i am ok.