2011 in review

well, i end this year very differently than i started it.
different job.
different school.
different home.
a lot has changed over the year.
i got promoted and then let go.
i graduated from ASU (well i am about to at any rate, done with all my exams!)
i decided to completely switch career paths and will be starting at gateway in the spring to complete my prereqs for a new program.
i moved back into my parents house.
i dont tend to do well with change so i view it as a miracle that i am still sane at this point.
although the people around me might tell you that im not...

first thing next year i dive headfirst into a new world. one with medical terminology, bio, and bls certifications.
and no, im not going to nursing school.
at the beginning of the year i said i wanted to find a way to give back and i guess i have found it.
when you go looking you never know what direction god will point you in, and this certainly isnt what i was expecting.

but for now, i will enjoy my 5 week break, watch a lot of NCIS, spend time with my friends, family, and of course my baby jones, work a lot, and enjoy the holidays.

Oh Dr Seuss

• You have brains in your head.
  You have feet in your shoes.
  You can steer yourself
  any direction you choose.
  You're on your own.
  And you know what you know.
  And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go.

• You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have the speed.
  You’ll pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead.
  Wherever you fly, you’ll be the best of the best.
  Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

• I'm sorry to say so
  But, sadly it's true
  That bang-ups and hang-ups
  Can happen to you.

• You can get so confused that you’ll start in to race
  Down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
  And grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
  Headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

• The Waiting Place… for people just waiting.
  Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come,
  Or a plane to go or the mail to come
  Or the rain to go or the phone to ring,
  Or the snow to snow, or waiting around for a Yes or No
  Or waiting for their hair to grow.
  Everyone is just waiting.

• Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite
  Or waiting around for Friday night
  Or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake, or a pot to boil,
  or a Better Break or a string of pearls,
  Or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or
  Another Chance.
  Everyone is just waiting.

• No! That’s not for you!
  Somehow you’ll escape all that waiting and staying.
  You’ll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing.
  With banner flip-flapping, once more you’ll ride high!
  Ready for anything under the sky.

• On and on you will hike, And I know you’ll hike far
  and face up to your problems whatever they are.
  You’ll get mixed up of course, as you already know.
  You’ll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go.
  So be sure when you step.
  Step with care and great tact
  And remember that Life’s a great balancing act.
  Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
  And never mix up your right foot with your left.

• Will you succeed?
  Yes you will indeed!
  (98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)

• Kid you'll move mountains
  So... Be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ale Van Allen O'Shea,
  You're off to great places!
  Today is your day!
  Your mountain is waiting.
  So... Get on your way

Two Weeks Notice

What a freaking journey.
A year ago, I was given ridiculous expectations at my job and I have known since then that this day would come eventually.
I have been told numerous times this year that because of situations completely out of my control, I have a target on my back.
I have seen my budget and felt the stress.
As I have said before, I was miserable.
I knew this day was coming for months.
But when your mentor sits across the table from you an tells you that your 5 1/2 years of dedication and giving everything you could to the organization still aren't enough, it still hurts. A lot.
Two weeks ago I was told that the journey has ended.
I took the rest of the day off, made a call, and had a job offer the next day.
So, rather than be fired, I put in my two weeks notice.
Definitely the hardest letter i have ever written.
I have felt a lot of emotions over the past two weeks, but by far the biggest emotion is feeling hurt. I'm also very bitter now.
I literally can NOT believe my last day will be this Thursday.

I am doing my best to move on, but please, if you see me, ask me about something, ANYTHING other than my job.

Also, yes I know this situation is 100% unfair and people think I should go on some crusade about how wrong it is, but I DON'T WANT TO. I am over it. If you want something to be said, then you do it.

what ive been up to

applying for jobs.
moving.
doing homework.
finding classes for next semester.
working. (and dreading it)
unpacking.
hanging out with the dog.
stressing.
getting ready for the next chapter of my life.

the trapeze

at a recent womens' retreat for church, my pastor told a great story about a trapeze. a story that really applies to my life right now. 

 "Sometimes I imagine that my life is a series of trapeze swings. I’m either holding on to a trapeze bar swinging alone, or for a few moments, I’m hurtling across space in between trapeze bars.  Most of the time, I’m hanging on for dear life to my illusive  trapeze bar of the moment. It swings me along at a certain steady rate and I imagine that I'm in control of my life. As I swing, I know most of the right questions and even some of the right answers. But once in a while, as I’m merrily (or not-so-merrily) swinging along, I see   another trapeze bar swinging towards me.  Deep inside, there is a place that ‘knows’ that this new trapeze bar has my name on it.  It represents to me my next step, my growth and aliveness coming to receive me. In my heart-of-hearts, I know that in order for me to grow, I must release my iron grip on this present bar and move to the new one. Without guarantees, I choose to do it anyway because to keep holding on to the current iron bar is no longer on my list of alternatives, and so for an eternity that can last a microsecond or a thousand life times, I soar across the dark void of ‘the past is gone, the future is not yet here’.  This place is transition.  I have come to believe that this is the only place that real change occurs, not the pseudo-change that only lasts until the next time my old buttons get pushed."


I see that next trapeze in my life hurtling towards me, but do I want to let go? 
I am being shoved off of one trapeze and onto another this Saturday when I move out of my apartment and back into my parents, but I am willingly preparing to let go of a different trapeze. A much bigger one. And for a while, I might just be hurtling through space, not knowing what will come next. 
Next semester, I will continue my schooling. And not because I plan to fail this semester and not graduate, but rather because I will be taking the prerequisites for an entirely different program. I register for classes on Oct 10th and I am excited! This is a new trapeze for me, one that I am not sure where it will swing next, but I am ready to be on that next trapeze. 

School

Education. It's the process that never ends.
For the last two years I have been incredibly insistent that after I finish my degree this December I was done with school. Funny how God laughs when we make plans.
Tomorrow I am meeting with an advisor to go over a program that has absolutely nothing to do with the career path I am on right now or the degree I am getting in December. Scary? A little. Exciting? A lot.
For a long time I have been jealous of people who actually know what they want to do in life and I think maybe, just maybe, I am finally discovering what I want to do.
Yes, I know I am being cryptic. Sorry. Only a handful of people know what I am considering, and for now I want to keep it that way. I don't need your opinion or judgements during this discernment process. Just your prayers, please. That I might discover what God truly wants me to do.

Following Your Dreams

when we are kids growing up we are told to follow our dreams.

but when we get to being a grown up, we are told to play it safe.
unfortunately, from what i have experienced, money has a lot to do with this. we have to be able to pay our bills, and we are always wondering where that next paycheck is coming from.
following our dreams is sometimes scary, it sometimes means stepping off that ledge not knowing what is coming next. it sometimes means going down a completely different path than you ever have. it sometimes means leaving your safety net of home, family, friends, whatever it may be.
as i continue to look at different options and try to determine what i want to do with my life, what my dreams are, a couple options keep coming back to me that are scary. they require me to step outside my safety net, go down a different path than i ever have, and yet, they keep coming back to me.

when was a time that you followed your dreams and did it pan out for you? i am interested to learn about your experiences.

adventuring! gone wrong...

so last night i decided to go out and have a good time. why not? i am only 21, you're only young once, and besides that i had free 6th row seats to the mercury game.
anyways...the night started off great! we went to the game, the mercury won (yay!), and we saw some great women's basketball.
after the game, we decided to almost get killed in the after game traffic and then hit this little restaurant/bar in downtown phoenix called Bliss reBar.

let me give you a little info here before i continue...i have a condition called endometriosis, so does my mom, and it is a terrible condition that some women are afflicted with. anyways, about 85% of the time i can keep my symptoms in check, but when i cant...bad things happen.

so anyways, we get there and decide to have a drink and all of a sudden i started feeling not so great. i went to the bathroom and when i came back i felt really dizzy, was seeing spots, and couldn't hear very well. so, i got a glass of water and sat on a bench. then, i started feeling super nauseous and decided i definitely needed to go back to the bathroom (didn't want to throw up on the patio of the restaurant, not very cool). so, i asked one of my friends to go with me in case i passed out in the bathroom, we stand up to go, and i didn't even make it to the bathroom. next thing i can remember i was hitting my head into something very hard as i hear "elli, elli, elli??? are you ok???" no, i was not ok. i blacked out and ran head first into the wall which had metal bars on it covering a window. (thank god or my head would have been through the window).

After the fentanyl! 

paramedics were called, dad was called, everyone at the restaurant thought i had passed out drunk, i looked like a fool I'm sure.
ended up going to the hospital with dehydration, which was just worsened by the pain i was experiencing, and coupled they were just too much for my body to handle.
so, i got to hang out in the ER for a few hours, get all sorts of tests done, get 2 bags of saline, fentanyl, zofran, and then sent home with instructions to watch for signs of head injury and stay hydrated.
not really the fun time i set out to have last night, but thankfully i am ok.

job, career, or calling?

Job:

•Financial rewards

•Necessary to life

•“Working to Live”

•Material Benefits

•Support to family

•Short-term in most cases

•No long-term investment

Career:

•Advancement

•Achievement

•Recognition & Power

•High Self-Esteem

•Climbing the Ladder

•Requires long-term investment

       •(Education/Training/Time)

Calling: 

•Personally fulfilling

•Labor of Love

•Makes a contribution to Society

•An end in itself

•Inseparable from rest of one’s life

•Life-long investment

I think a lot of teenagers look for a job, many older generations have looked for a career, and many Gen Xers (generation before me) and Millenials (my generation) look for callings.

I want to figure out what my calling is. I want to make a difference. I want to help others. 

So...do you have a job, career, or calling? What do you do and why do you classify it as such?

this week

this week i did a lot of things. here are the big ones.

questioned my future.
ate a lot of grilled cheese sandwiches. (cheap meal for the poor college student)
turned in my lease termination paperwork.
went to sprinkles where they did not have the type of cupcake i wanted. (or the kind laura wanted!)
applied for graduation. (which by the way is December 16th 4pm for those who like to plan ahead)
worked. a lot.
prayed for the people on the east coast.
did homework.
read more than i have in the past year.
slept.
played with the dog.

super exciting stuff people! let me tell ya.

where do i go from here?

it is disturbing to me how dead on these books i am having to read for school are. (My Reality Check Bounced and Never Eat Alone) i only wish i had read them a couple years ago.

i am the twentysomething almost college graduate who has no idea what she wants to do with her life, is unhappy in the job she is in, and is about to move back in with her parents.
so, where do i go from here?

i am not exactly sure, and i guess these books and classes are supposed to be helping me figure that out. i am not fantastic at anything, but i am good at a lot of things, so i dont have a clear specialization that i want to go into. i am passionate about a lot of things (specifically i love nonprofit, working with small children, and working with numbers - although those three dont necessarily go together), but not on fire about anything, so i dont really have a drive to jump head first into anything crazy. its too bad it took me until my last semester of college to figure all this out. and i still have a long way to go.

as a first step, i am supposed to ask the people closest to me what they perceive to be my greatest strengths and weaknesses in order to help determine where i go from here. so, what are my greatest strengths and weaknesses, in your opinion??

whew...its been a LONG time

so my mom told me the other day that she was sick of checking my blog and not having anything new to read.
i dont know that i have anything too interesting to say today, but gee, i didnt even know anyone was reading my blog!
aaaaaanyways...so why has it been such a long time since i blogged? and what the hell have i been doing?
well i can say one thing, i havent been doing much in the way of "giving back". unless you count the fact that i have been working 50-60 hours a week at a nonprofit working with kids every single day.
i count that.
also, i finished another semester of school AND...drumroll please............I MADE THE DEAN'S LIST!!!
i think it is pretty amazing that 2 years ago i almost failed out of school and this semester i got a 3.53 GPA. should have been higher, but we wont get into that....damn you professor kalika.
besides running our summer day camp program at work i have also been running our sports program still, and we finally opened our new gym which is SUPER exciting and opens up a whole new realm of possibilities for what we can do with our sports program. i cant wait!

well i guess that is all for now, ive got to go get ready. i finally got a few days off of work and today i am headed to cooler ground. this heat is killer and even if i can only get out of it for a few hours i will DEFINITELY take it.

Retarded...Really??

UPDATED: visit http://r-word.org/ for more information on this topic.

i must admit...i am one who has, and still do at time (accidentally), used the word retarded in a negative light.
growing up i did not have anyone who was physically or mentally disabled in my family, and i did not see how much this can hurt a person, and honestly, i never really thought about it.
even into my teen years, i didnt think twice about using the word.
until i met jadi.
thats horrible that i spent 18 years of my life in the dark about such situations.
sure i knew they existed...but did i care? nope.
how selfish was i?
over the past few years i have come to know jadi and the rest of her family (and ya know...her sister laura...hahaha) and it has really changed me.
like i mentioned, i do still used the word sometimes, but each time i do, i realize and it kills me that i just said it.
this blog: http://listeningthruthenoise.blogspot.com/2010/03/normal-to-who.html and this blog: http://theredneckmommy.com/2010/03/05/why-you-shouldnt-use-the-r-word/ are both great eye openers to the affects of the r-word, and they really give an inside look to the way that word affects families of a mentally or physically disabled individual.
using this word is just as bad as faggot or nigger or cracker or bitch or any other derogatory term we can use.
how would you feel if people went around calling their non working/stupid/slow/broken whatever a derogatory name about you?

Ok, now I'm excited

For the first semester in all the time I have been in college, I am actually excited for my classes!
They really seem to be lining up with the changes in my life I wrote about wanting to make and they are very applicable to my work life.
In my last post, I wrote about my entrepreneurship project that I have to do, and now I have another project that I am even more excited about.
Going into my Responsible Management class I had no idea what to expect. I figured it would be another boring class about ethics and how to make money without breaking the law. How surprised was I when I found out the class is mostly about working in/with Nonprofits???
The majority of this class revolves around a Service Learning project that we have to do in which we work with a Nonprofit in the community on a service project for at least 25 hours throughout the semester.
Perfect! I have been wanting to do some work with a Nonprofit besides the Y, I just have never been able to find the time to do it. Well, this comes with a grade, so now I have to find the time.
I plan to docment whatever we do on here, so follow along on the journey if you want to. Our group is choosing the organization we will work with this week. I have compiled a list of a few that I want to work with and we will see where we go from there.
Very much looking forward to this semester, even though it will be a lot of work.

Entrepreneurship project

This semester I am in a class called Intro to Entrepreneurship. As one of my big projects throughout the semester I have to come up with an idea to write a venture proposal for. Well, I was inspired by my roommate Laura and the many, many blogs I follow and I think I am going to write a venture proposal for clothing for kiddos with special medical needs. Anything ranging from monitors to g-tubes to being in hospital beds with many wires and tubes. So many of these parents have had problems finding cute clothing to put their child in that works with the tubes and wires and, although I am not a parent, I can understand how disheartening this might be. So this semester I will be doing some research on what types of clothes or clothing items might be best for these children. If you have any experience with this, I would really appreciate your input. You can either comment on here or email me at emgawne@gmail.com. Thanks in advance for your help!

Going into 2011

I have gone into 2011 with a new attitude. One that I hope to keep past Monday. We will see how that goes…

I want to make a difference. I want to be able to help people. Now I know I can, and do, do this through the YMCA every day. However, I want something different. I have been looking into a few different young professional groups and I want to join the Ronald McDonald House Charities Tomorrow’s Leaders when I graduate in December. (You can read about them here)  I have had them in mind for a while, but I want to wait until I graduate so that I am able to devote the time to it that I should. I am looking into volunteering with other organizations as well. I don’t want to try to jump in at the top, I want to start small and grow from there.

So again, if you have any suggestions, any ideas as to what organizations I could work with, anything, please feel free to share it with me. I would greatly appreciate it!