Two Weeks Notice

What a freaking journey.
A year ago, I was given ridiculous expectations at my job and I have known since then that this day would come eventually.
I have been told numerous times this year that because of situations completely out of my control, I have a target on my back.
I have seen my budget and felt the stress.
As I have said before, I was miserable.
I knew this day was coming for months.
But when your mentor sits across the table from you an tells you that your 5 1/2 years of dedication and giving everything you could to the organization still aren't enough, it still hurts. A lot.
Two weeks ago I was told that the journey has ended.
I took the rest of the day off, made a call, and had a job offer the next day.
So, rather than be fired, I put in my two weeks notice.
Definitely the hardest letter i have ever written.
I have felt a lot of emotions over the past two weeks, but by far the biggest emotion is feeling hurt. I'm also very bitter now.
I literally can NOT believe my last day will be this Thursday.

I am doing my best to move on, but please, if you see me, ask me about something, ANYTHING other than my job.

Also, yes I know this situation is 100% unfair and people think I should go on some crusade about how wrong it is, but I DON'T WANT TO. I am over it. If you want something to be said, then you do it.

what ive been up to

applying for jobs.
moving.
doing homework.
finding classes for next semester.
working. (and dreading it)
unpacking.
hanging out with the dog.
stressing.
getting ready for the next chapter of my life.

the trapeze

at a recent womens' retreat for church, my pastor told a great story about a trapeze. a story that really applies to my life right now. 

 "Sometimes I imagine that my life is a series of trapeze swings. I’m either holding on to a trapeze bar swinging alone, or for a few moments, I’m hurtling across space in between trapeze bars.  Most of the time, I’m hanging on for dear life to my illusive  trapeze bar of the moment. It swings me along at a certain steady rate and I imagine that I'm in control of my life. As I swing, I know most of the right questions and even some of the right answers. But once in a while, as I’m merrily (or not-so-merrily) swinging along, I see   another trapeze bar swinging towards me.  Deep inside, there is a place that ‘knows’ that this new trapeze bar has my name on it.  It represents to me my next step, my growth and aliveness coming to receive me. In my heart-of-hearts, I know that in order for me to grow, I must release my iron grip on this present bar and move to the new one. Without guarantees, I choose to do it anyway because to keep holding on to the current iron bar is no longer on my list of alternatives, and so for an eternity that can last a microsecond or a thousand life times, I soar across the dark void of ‘the past is gone, the future is not yet here’.  This place is transition.  I have come to believe that this is the only place that real change occurs, not the pseudo-change that only lasts until the next time my old buttons get pushed."


I see that next trapeze in my life hurtling towards me, but do I want to let go? 
I am being shoved off of one trapeze and onto another this Saturday when I move out of my apartment and back into my parents, but I am willingly preparing to let go of a different trapeze. A much bigger one. And for a while, I might just be hurtling through space, not knowing what will come next. 
Next semester, I will continue my schooling. And not because I plan to fail this semester and not graduate, but rather because I will be taking the prerequisites for an entirely different program. I register for classes on Oct 10th and I am excited! This is a new trapeze for me, one that I am not sure where it will swing next, but I am ready to be on that next trapeze. 

School

Education. It's the process that never ends.
For the last two years I have been incredibly insistent that after I finish my degree this December I was done with school. Funny how God laughs when we make plans.
Tomorrow I am meeting with an advisor to go over a program that has absolutely nothing to do with the career path I am on right now or the degree I am getting in December. Scary? A little. Exciting? A lot.
For a long time I have been jealous of people who actually know what they want to do in life and I think maybe, just maybe, I am finally discovering what I want to do.
Yes, I know I am being cryptic. Sorry. Only a handful of people know what I am considering, and for now I want to keep it that way. I don't need your opinion or judgements during this discernment process. Just your prayers, please. That I might discover what God truly wants me to do.

Following Your Dreams

when we are kids growing up we are told to follow our dreams.

but when we get to being a grown up, we are told to play it safe.
unfortunately, from what i have experienced, money has a lot to do with this. we have to be able to pay our bills, and we are always wondering where that next paycheck is coming from.
following our dreams is sometimes scary, it sometimes means stepping off that ledge not knowing what is coming next. it sometimes means going down a completely different path than you ever have. it sometimes means leaving your safety net of home, family, friends, whatever it may be.
as i continue to look at different options and try to determine what i want to do with my life, what my dreams are, a couple options keep coming back to me that are scary. they require me to step outside my safety net, go down a different path than i ever have, and yet, they keep coming back to me.

when was a time that you followed your dreams and did it pan out for you? i am interested to learn about your experiences.

adventuring! gone wrong...

so last night i decided to go out and have a good time. why not? i am only 21, you're only young once, and besides that i had free 6th row seats to the mercury game.
anyways...the night started off great! we went to the game, the mercury won (yay!), and we saw some great women's basketball.
after the game, we decided to almost get killed in the after game traffic and then hit this little restaurant/bar in downtown phoenix called Bliss reBar.

let me give you a little info here before i continue...i have a condition called endometriosis, so does my mom, and it is a terrible condition that some women are afflicted with. anyways, about 85% of the time i can keep my symptoms in check, but when i cant...bad things happen.

so anyways, we get there and decide to have a drink and all of a sudden i started feeling not so great. i went to the bathroom and when i came back i felt really dizzy, was seeing spots, and couldn't hear very well. so, i got a glass of water and sat on a bench. then, i started feeling super nauseous and decided i definitely needed to go back to the bathroom (didn't want to throw up on the patio of the restaurant, not very cool). so, i asked one of my friends to go with me in case i passed out in the bathroom, we stand up to go, and i didn't even make it to the bathroom. next thing i can remember i was hitting my head into something very hard as i hear "elli, elli, elli??? are you ok???" no, i was not ok. i blacked out and ran head first into the wall which had metal bars on it covering a window. (thank god or my head would have been through the window).

After the fentanyl! 

paramedics were called, dad was called, everyone at the restaurant thought i had passed out drunk, i looked like a fool I'm sure.
ended up going to the hospital with dehydration, which was just worsened by the pain i was experiencing, and coupled they were just too much for my body to handle.
so, i got to hang out in the ER for a few hours, get all sorts of tests done, get 2 bags of saline, fentanyl, zofran, and then sent home with instructions to watch for signs of head injury and stay hydrated.
not really the fun time i set out to have last night, but thankfully i am ok.

job, career, or calling?

Job:

•Financial rewards

•Necessary to life

•“Working to Live”

•Material Benefits

•Support to family

•Short-term in most cases

•No long-term investment

Career:

•Advancement

•Achievement

•Recognition & Power

•High Self-Esteem

•Climbing the Ladder

•Requires long-term investment

       •(Education/Training/Time)

Calling: 

•Personally fulfilling

•Labor of Love

•Makes a contribution to Society

•An end in itself

•Inseparable from rest of one’s life

•Life-long investment

I think a lot of teenagers look for a job, many older generations have looked for a career, and many Gen Xers (generation before me) and Millenials (my generation) look for callings.

I want to figure out what my calling is. I want to make a difference. I want to help others. 

So...do you have a job, career, or calling? What do you do and why do you classify it as such?